My weekends are 2 days full of stress. I can't really tell when my weekends became this hell but it's going on for to long now.
My dad is horrible. He works every day from 7 to 10 and when he finds the time to sit down, he's reading all the messages I left him on the kitchentable from people who called and want him to call back 'when he has some free time'.
It makes me feel awfull to know that my dad is in so much stress but on the other hand it makes me mad that he doesn't do anything about it, complains all the time and gets really angry with me.
In the weekends it's even more complicated. My sister, who's living in leuven at the week, comes back home. There's a lot of washing, cooking, cleaning and working going on every day of the weekend. My sister has to study but it's very busy with the 3 of us here. We want to avoid each other as much as possible... I can't wait for monday to begin at this moment. Dad's working, my sister is at school and I find some time to do the work I have to finish. At the evening I try to make a good meal and I leave for my study accounting. I don't really like the lessons because it's boring but I just want to finish this because it's my way out... I can start my own little business. I want it so bad...
My dad on the other hand, really hates me for doing this. My mom and dad always worked most of the days. I didn't really see them much when I was a child. They worked at day-time but lot of the times they were out for work at the evenings too so I stayed with my grandmom. I have awfull memories about that. I was always panicking that my mom was going to die in a car accident and that she wouldn't come back one day. It became so bad my grandmother let me call my mom every night when she wasn't home at the hour she told me. Every minute was a hell and i cried and cried untill I saw here.
It got better when I was older but I kept that negative feeling and sadness every time mom left me.
When mom died (or I knew she was going to die), i got that same feeling.
I felt a child again.
These days it feels my dad is going to take the same path. If he doesn't stop working this much, he will probably die in a few years because he's going to have a heart attack or something. He's really working hard. Every time we get a moment off and people see us together they tell me how lucky we are together. And it's really true. I love my dad so much. He's the only parent I have left and I'm scared I'll lose him too but still I can't tell him 'dad, please take some time off, enjoy your life because I can't survive if I have to let you go too...' It's to hard for me to tell. We never talked about emotions and stuff.
We know we love each other but hate each other at the same time.
My mom and I were doing this the exact same way... we only were able to connect the few last weeks before she died. She told me that she felt like she has been to strict and severe all the time. She felt guilty and that made me so sad. The only thing I wished for these weeks, was that she felt like she had had a good life...
The only thing I can do know is find a good job. Get out of here and get lucky with my boyfriend.
It's not going to be any better in the next few weeks unless I get out of here...
I know my dad will miss me and that he's going to feel so alone, he's going to do the washing/cleaning/cooking all by himself and that's why I will feel horrible but I can't take the stress of being at home any longer. It's the only good thing I can do for now...
So that's what I'll be doing the next few months.
Finding a job.
Leaving this home (I'll miss. It's still my memory of mom.)
Join a new life.
Lots of love,